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An Open Letter to An Anonymous Cat

Since I know there are very few cats who read blogs (most have far better things to do, like ignore you or sleep or weave through your legs when you are bringing in the groceries), it is my hope that all you cat owners will read this short note to your cats, and being the gossipy creatures that they are by nature, they will tell their friends, and eventually . . . well, it will get to the right cat. And yes, I am well aware that cats will embellish whatever I write when they pass it along. So here goes:

Dear Anonymous Cat,

Thank you once again for your kind offering. The bevy of rats, mice and birds that you have been leaving on the patio, deck and on the front door mat, have been a lovely display of your cat prowess. We have even taken note of your artistic nature, as well as your sense of humor: displaying your murderous trophies with the head in one place and the body in the other. Nothing like walking outside in the morning to get the paper and getting to play the game, “Oh, crap, where’s the head for this dang thing?”

Having taken an entire day of Forensics recently and having owned a good number of cats over the years, I suspect you are trying out for a position in our household. Well, congratulations, the place is yours. (On the condition that you don’t try to play the aforementioned game inside the house.) No need to continue to litter my yard with trophies (though I never mind seeing a dead rat or mouse) in an attempt to impress us. We are duly awed by your skills–murderous and artistic.

Please present yourself at the back door any day, and we will work out the particulars.

Best wishes,

Elizabeth Boyle

5 comments to “An Open Letter to An Anonymous Cat”

  1. Jen
    October 12th, 2009 at 9:59 am · Link

    HAHAHA!!! That is SO funny!! And I know what you mean about finding trophies in the early am. Half asleep, heading out to catch the bus, I would find all sorts of scary things on the front steps. My cat’s favorites were birds, lol.

    Thanks for the laugh! πŸ™‚ I always enjoy reading your blogs!! πŸ˜€

  2. Lois
    October 12th, 2009 at 1:52 pm · Link

    Now, I definitely know for a fact this isn’t my cat because having to chase an animal to kill it and go about dismembering and decapitating it, is just way too much work. Definitely not for her majesty. Gotta be another cat entirely. πŸ™‚


  3. Karen
    October 13th, 2009 at 9:44 am · Link

    LOL! Several Christmases ago, our cat deposited a gift (frozen) on our back porch Christmas morning. My husband ran to get his camera and captured the mousecicle forever! The photo continues to be displayed each Christmas

  4. Karen Reece
    October 14th, 2009 at 7:19 am · Link

    When we lived in Florida, our cat would catch palmetto bugs and leave the legs in one place and the body parts in another. In that same townhouse we got visited by a skank and my cat just ignored it. Go figure. I finally caught it because my husband would have nothing to do with it!

  5. Shannon McKelden
    October 14th, 2009 at 8:46 am · Link

    Ah, as the proud owner of four such creatures, I completely understand. A word of advice, if you don’t want that game played in the house, don’t ever install a cat door. Just go with the burden of having to let them in and out on their whim.

    With a cat door, I have had many “surprises” on the living room floor in the morning…from crickets and grasshoppers, garter snakes (usually noticed only when catching them out of the corner of your eye slithering under some unmovable piece of furniture), headless squirrels to full-grown LIVE bunnies (don’t ask me how that huge cat got that HUGE rabbit through the cat door!). Oh, and the usual mice and rats, of course. I’ve developed an iron-clad stomach from having to clean up after them for years.

    Best of luck with your invisible family member!

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